“Jennifer Lopez is back and snatchin’ weaves!” read one breathless post—- in all caps, no less—- on a message board while others referred to her as a “goddess” and adjectives such as “amazing” and “strong comeback” were invited to the J. Lo(ve) fest as well. Um, no. Perhaps I no longer have the ability to correctly identify what is “hot ‘n’ poppin’” but all a girl’s gotta do nowadays is recycle stale ideas, and stale rappers, in a midriff top to get you kids open? Uhhh… OK.
First of all, the whole “‘On The Floor’... Brought To You By BMW and Swarokvski” was just tacky, tacky, tacky! I know product placement is here to stay, but blatant and lingering close-ups of ish that I ain’t gonna buy anyway is a waste of time that could have been better spent on including another cliché. Secondly, how is JenJen “snatchin’ weaves” by making a typical dance song about being in da club and the video is her… in da club? OK to be fair, she’s actually “in da rented theater”, but it doesn’t make the concept any less tired. Yes J. Lo-cos (that’s what I’m calling her diehard fans… just made it up!), after two dud albums and a failed attempt to launch this new project with that silly chickenhead-ish “Louboutins” track (memorable mostly cuz she fell lip sycning it at the AMAs last year), Jennifer Lopez has returned with a video that is essentially “Waiting For Tonight 2011”.
Fist pumping extras pretending to really dig the song? Check. Wind blown beauty shots of La Lopez? Check. Sassy freestyle moves from the former Fly Girl that are so-so at best? Check, or rather “check, please!” With dancing and diva mannerisms that she seems to be impressed with more than anyone else, Jenny From The Block, I’ve always felt, acts like a big ol’ pop star, but in reality she’s never really been one. She was always a budget version of girls with bigger and better hits and yeah she kinda owned the unobtainable über-sexy vixen thing, but then Beyoncé kinda took it and ran with it the minute she jumped ship off of the S.S. Destiny’s Child. Jenny LoLo was always reaching for Janet heights, but never climbed any higher than Paula Abdul. But hey, Paula pop success is still better than the non-starter that is Nicole Scherzinger so go Jen, I guess.
But yes, the video. Well, there’s not much to write about. I really thought things were gonna pick up when “Balcony J. Lo”, amidst her feathers and cocktail party bun, whipped out a cane… but the moment went nowhere. Then there was “‘Toxic’ Bodysuit J. Lo” whose only purpose is to serve as inspiration for Kim Kardashian’s sure to be wack upcoming video, I’m sure. “Just One of The Club Kids J. Lo” jumped on a lighted platform in the middle of her own rave suggesting a big dance number was about to go down, but no… again. And really Jen—- a guest rap by (ugh) Pitbull? While I love that he is finally makin’ that paper after all these years, he could turn down a gig or two and I wouldn’t be mad. We get it dude—- you like suits, you like sunglasses, and half-naked ladies are your favorite accessory. Now come back when you’re ready to switch it up or at least bless us with a memorable verse.
All in all, its a rather disappointing affair. Her second shot at relevancy via American Idol is wasted on a ho hum montage of things we’ve seen before… and done much better. C’mon girl, you sample the “Lambada” song and we don’t even get any “forbidden dance” choreo”??? It’s a new day boo boo, and this “resting on bein’ pretty” crap ain’t gonna cut it. Come with something hot or continue to sit your tone deaf behind in that judges chair and be content criticizing those that can actually sing. Grade: C-
Oh and not for nothing, but the “Mixin Marc/Tony Svejda LA To Ibiza Mix” rocks much harder than the original single version. Check it out below.
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