Now see… this kind of ish makes me mad. My iPod will tell ya that I certainly don’t have a problem with trashy reality pseudo-celebs pretending to be Britney (Kim Zolciak, Countess Luann… I’m lookin’ at you), but d*mn you gotta draw the line somewhere and that line definitely starts here!
The woman whose big break in show biz was having sex with Moesha’s brother on camera continues her reign of terror with the inevitable foray into “singing”. This could have been a brilliant piece of guilty pleasure pop trash á la “Tardy For The Party” but no, Kim K. and her barely recognizable robo-chirp drone on for what seems like forever about some cliché “in da club” nonsense while producer The Dream—- wasting his talents on some chick whose panties he’s obviously trying to holla at—- attempts to drown out the AutoTune-less toddler vocals with a not-quite Kesha, Junior Vasquez-sounding dance track that would’ve been better off had it remained in 1995.
When it comes to these non-singin’ broads who have absolutely no business getting behind a mic, the best way to combat the unavoidable impending pages of message board posts about the innumerable ways that said would-be startlet sucks is to at least make the song catchy. Say what you will about Heidi Montag but that original mix of “Body Language” (minus Spencer’s uh, “rap”) is kind of a jam—- just close your eyes and pretend its Rihanna or Kylie.
K.K.‘s tragic “Jam (Turn It Up)” business? Its an uninspired, unforgivable hot steaming piece of rotting garbage and no self-respecting cheesy euro-club or Top 40 gay bar—- clearly the markets she’s targeting here—- should go anywhere near this meandering mess. I mean, even The Dream can’t help but give ol’ Kimmy a “girl, please” side eye in that obviously staged photo that accompanies this post. A complete rejection of “Kim Kardashian, Pop Star” would be the poetically judicial pimp slap needed to let this trick know that she is outta pocket; stay in yo’ lane, ho!*
“Turn It Up”?... how ‘bout I turn it off!
Kim Kardashian featuring The Dream - “Jam (Turn It Up)”
* I don’t normally call women “hos”, but a hood-approved outburst seemed appropriate in this instance.
UPDATE: Months after this mess first assaulted an unsuspecting public comes the suspiciously timed, post-VMA “leak” of a snippet of the video—- and by “video” I mean “informercial for her big ol’ a$$ and lip glossed, sweaty close-ups”. J. Lo’s videos are nothing short of genius compared to this chick. It’s only 55 seconds, but it’s a looooong 55 seconds; you’ve been warned!
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